I'm confused about how I feel about Chris Brown.

I recently read some anti-Chris Brown playing the Grammy posts, most notably I'm Not Okay With Chris Brown Performing at the Grammys and I'm Not Sure Why You Are on Hello Giggles. I can't say I disagree with anything stated in the article, because I really don't. The article is mostly on-point. But my retort to this question is "Why Do We Care So Much About Chris Brown But None of the Other Domestic Violence Perpetrators in Hollywood?"

I'm not going to be presumptuous and assume that the author doesn't care about those things, because I am certain she does, so the question really is aimed at white-bred feminism at large. Why does Chris Brown particularly offend us so much, and yet I have witnessed people laugh at and take someone like Charlie Sheen with a grain of salt? They'll deride Chris Brown and yet use the word "Winning!", the proud proclamation of an addict and misogynist who shows, in my opinion, way less mournfulness over his actions than Chris Brown (but I guess it's difficult to measure less than zero).

Is it because the victim, Rihanna, is so high profile? Is it because we like her music so much, while Brooke Mueller mostly resembles what privilege looks like in our society? Is it his age? Or maybe the fact that Chris Brown is a man of color?

I am not running out and saying people who think Chris Brown shouldn't be performing on the Grammys are racist. Not in the slightest. I do not want to be mistaken as apologizing for his behavior. But I think as a group we need to look at who we forgive using our consumer power and who we choose not to forgive. What both Chris Brown and Charlie Sheen did (oh and Christian Bale and Alec Baldwin and other people who have been connected to domestic violence have done) is not forgivable.

But the facts speak for themselves. Black men are criminalized without batting an eyelash in this country, while many of us question whether someone like Julian Assange is capable of rape because he is such a Valuable Person Who Contributed Valuable Things.

Truthfully, I do find it despicable that he is playing the Grammys, especially considering the connection the Grammys have to the altercation with Rihanna. I find it despicable that most of these men have careers in the public eye and are celebrated as people to look up to. Heros, even. I'm confused though about where our derision towards him is rooted from. I worry that sometimes a bit of it is a chunk of unchecked privilege and unaccounted for systemic racism that really criminalized Chris Brown even before he did this terrible, unforgivable thing.

I'm not leaving this post with a solution or even an answer to my own question. I'm just throwing this idea out there. With the way the criminalization of black men looks to me like a modern day version of slavery, as a white woman, I feel like I need to be more aware of where my feelings come from in situations like this. I don't see that discussion happening in the blogosphere.

Another day, another Facebook argument.

So, I used to be the queen of long-winded Facebook arguments, especially when it came to weight issues. These days I mostly ignore Facebook, and I choose to unfriend or hide people who say ridiculous things about weight issues mostly because emotionally, it's frustrating. 


Recently, my roomie/BFF has been drawn in to a Facebook argument on someone else's wall. I've tried to shy away from it, buuuut it didn't work. She sent me access to the status, and I've been reading through it, giving her ideas for responses, and even tried to write my own response. The response became so big I decided I may as well just write something here. 

It all started over those deplorable anti-obesity ads which feature children front and center, and say shit like, "It's hard to be a little girl when you're not" or whatever. First of all, there's lots of reasons why being a kid sucked, and let me tell you, as a big little girl, the only problem my weight caused me was the way other people treated me because of it, and that sure as shit wasn't my mother's fault. 


But anyway, these arguments are usually the same when these issues come up, especially when you begin discussing children. 


1. Having a fat child means you are abusing your child. 
No, it doesn't. I was a fat kid. I can speak from first hand experience that being a fat kid does not mean your parents are feeding you badly, let alone abusing you. I was always fat, my younger brother was always rail thin. I was probably fatter than most of those kids in the ads, and my mom made me eat fresh vegetables (yuck) and all that crap. I had three meals a day, generally solid, good food. But I was still fat. Was my mom secretly stuffing Twinkies down my throat when I wasn't looking? To my dismay, she was not.


2. This will actually convince parents to feed their children better.
One, this is assuming that parents who want to feed their children aren't already trying, but their kid is still fat because they have a metabolism of fluffernutter like I did/do. This also assumes that parents who don't give a shit will all of a sudden give a shit. Let's face it--if they didn't give a shit with the fat child in front of them, it's going to take a lot more than a billboard to change that. Years of therapy, maybe, but we haven't really achieved the kind of mental health parity it will take to make change in all shitty parents. 


3. These kids have eating disorders. Being fat is not an eating disorder. Most leading experts in eating disorders agree on this. You cannot assume an eating disorder by looking at a person. Just as you cannot assume a skinny person is anorexic, you can't assume a fat person overeats. Weight science is way more complicated than you overeat = you're fat. However, weight-based bullying can lead to eating disorders later in life. A look at the literature will show that there is a correlation between weight-based bullying and the on-set of eating disorders (as in the diagnosable kind from the DSM) later in life. I'd consider these billboards to be a type of bullying, personally. 


4. All people have the same opportunities to raise their child in the same way. I often hear from people "Oh my family was poor and I still got x, y and z so there is no excuse why everyone can't do that." This is usually a bunch of shit from someone who refuses to acknowledge that they have any privilege. Look, I hear that your family was on welfare or food stamps, but welfare and food stamps in an area such as, oh I don't know, Tonawanda, NY is not the same as welfare or food stamps somewhere like East New York, Brooklyn. In Tonawanda, you don't really have to go very far to find fresh food to spend those food stamps on. In East New York, you may not be able to find fresh food for a few subway stops. I've had to carry fresh food for MYSELF on a subway, and that is without kids hanging off of me. It's difficult. This also assumes being able to afford a MetroCard, and I've worked with many people who can't afford those things. And so, it's a little easier to walk to the bodaga and get a box of Mac and Cheese. That is just reality, and trying to argue with that because your experience was different is stupid. It's stupid to make assumptions about how everyone on welfare or food stamps has the same opportunities because your experience was "ideal." If you have the urge to respond with, "Oh but really, my experience was that bad," check yourself because it's always worse somewhere else. For serious. 


5. Everyone knows what good nutrition is. Nope. They don't. For one, they may not have been taught good nutrition, but they turned out okay, so they're feeding their child the way they were fed. Two, many Americans lack a basic education. Some people can't read, let alone understand the food pyramid. And yet you think this mean campaign is going to teach them something? It's not. I'm glad that you were raised in a nurturing environment where doing things like attending school and paying attention in school were possible, but having spent some time in a inner city public school, I can tell you that is not the case everywhere. Again y'all, do not assume people's experiences. 


6. Other methods are not working, so we need to take more extreme measures. Dude, how quickly do you expect, even if you assume it is possible (which I really don't for reasons that aren't that fat people are lazy and fat kids have terrible parents), for the "obesity epidemic" to disappear? It's not like you have a few Let's Move PSAs and kids shrink the next day. There hasn't been nearly enough time for anything else to work, so why do we have to so quickly resort to name calling and being assholes? The term "obesity epidemic" has really only been in our vernacular a few years. Have some patience. 


7. Shame does not yield results. It never does. Scientificially, it will actually lead to a lot of the icky stuff we all supposedly hate about obesity like heart disease and diabetes. A good place to read about that is in an article titled The Stigma of Obesity, published in a peer-review journal. You know what those are, right? Because...


8. The Health at Every Size movement is just pandering to fat people who are too lazy to change and is not based in science. I don't know what people consider science these days, but I consider studies that have lived up to the process of being peer reviewed for revered journals to be close enough to science. You know, that whole evidence based practice thing? Yeah. Here's a bunch of citations. 


Bacon, L., & Aphramor, L. Weight Science: Evaluating the Evidence for a Paradigm Shift, Nutrition Journal, 2011, 10(9).

Bacon, L, VanLoan M , Stern JS, Keim N. Size Acceptance and Intuitive Eating Improve Health for Obese Female Chronic Dieters. Journal of American Dietetic Association. 2005;105:929-936.

Bacon, L., Keim, N.L., Van Loan, M.D., Derricote, M., Gale, B, Kazaks, A., and Stern, J.S., Evaluating a "Non-diet" Wellness Intervention for Improvement of Metabolic Fitness, Psychological Well-Being and Eating and Activity Behaviors. International Journal of Obesity, 2002; 26(6), 854-865.

Other relevant reading: 

Weight-Based Victimization Toward Overweight Adolescents: Observations and Reactions of Peers http://www.yaleruddcenter.org/resources/upload/docs/what/bias/VictiminationPeerObservations_JSH_11.11.pdf

Weight Stigmatization Toward Youth: A Significant Problem in Need of Societal Solutions http://www.yaleruddcenter.org/resources/upload/docs/what/bias/WeightStigmaYouth_ChildhoodObesity_10.11.pdf

You know, just to start. 


The thing is, I don't think anyone disagrees that movement and good foods are good for kids. Pretty sure no one disagrees on that. I think we all just disagree about the best way to go about getting those results. Shaming children and parents, based on my experience and what I've learned, does not work. Most parents are fully aware of the fact that they are not feeding their children as well as they would like, and face barriers. To deny that parents have barriers is to be ignorant. If you want to be ignorant, I allow you the right, but I will not engage in civil discussion with you. 


Also, some parents just don't care. And you will not make these parents care with these ads. You will just hurt the kids who look a lot like those kids in the advertisement (not to mention the actual kids depicted in the ads). They will identify with these images and see themselves as a burden and a problem. I can only speculate as to what this will lead to, but based on what I know about developmental psychology, it probably isn't good.


And that's about it. Agree to disagree, world, if we must, but I really wish we could just agree that being fucking mean really doesn't work, and we should probably just stop with that nonsense.

White Ribbon Day: Violence against women, disabilities and where to begin

I’m taking a break from writing about a client for a final to writing about a client for my blog. So, it’s kind of like I’m not procrastinating, right?

This is what social work school does to me...
turns me into a 5 year old blonde boy.

Anyway, this paper I am writing which is basically a quick overview of the client and then a discussion of different theories and interventions is depressing me. I’m writing about an African-American woman, around 40 years old, who has become one of my favorite clients (shh, don’t tell). We’ll call her Darla. She is completely blind and was born blind. Because of her disability, her parents neglected her. Her parents left her in her crib sometimes for days. It’s a miracle she survived past infancy.

Because of this neglect, Darla was developmentally delayed and is extremely quiet. She’ll speak ever so often in groups, and it makes me so happy when she does. However, Darla has been severely taken advantage of in his life. The neglectful parents aside, she was frequently molested and beaten in her foster homes. She didn’t know how to tell anyone. She probably didn’t even know it was wrong.

On Twitter earlier today, S.E. Smith posted an article about the increased risk of violence faced by women with disabilities. I am fairly certain that almost every woman in our program has experienced violence and sexual violence. I know for a fact they have all faced emotional violence. They’ve been taken advantage of because of their vulnerabilities. The article posted said some research suggests that nine out of ten developmentally disabled women will experience a sexual assault, and it is universally agreed that most will have to face unwanted sexual contact eventually.

I’ve written previously about rape culture in our society. This kind of abuse and neglect is particularly difficult for me to process because Darla and other clients are so vulnerable. They will always have to depend on people. And most of them, at least in my agency, still have the ability to trust. I am amazed at how Darla, while silent, is so expressive. When we listen to music in group, she is often the first one up dancing. She loves dancing.

Also known as "White Ribbon Day"

Today is the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women. I appreciate the sentiment and all of the hard work behind it, but I am still so angry that we only have one day a year designated for this. Darla, however, is an anchor for me. It’s inspiring to know that someone so beautiful can be born from such ugliness.

I am kind of annoyed with how I’ve been writing about things that are upsetting and leaving the post closed on a negative note. I am a person of action; what are some things we can do now to make the world safer for women and for Darla?

Clarisse Thorn for Feminist.us wrote some great suggestions. I suggest you check out her list, as it encompasses everything I have and then some.

Chris Brown

• Speak up if you have the voice. It’s not easy. Maggie Kuhn put it best when she said, “Stand before the people you fear and speak your mind—even if your voice shakes.”
• A spade is a spade, rape is rape and assault is assault. It doesn’t matter if the rape occurred while the person was making one of your favorite movies, or exposing Bank of America for the crooks that they are, or writing your favorite pop song.
• Recognize sexist images. Challenge them.
• Engage people in discussions about rape culture. Do not fear being “uppity.”
• Practice radical self-care. Fighting toxic rape culture is a part of that of course, but you cannot be an instrument of change if you allow yourself to burn out.
• And finally, if you can, offer supportive, healing, caring touch. This sounds bizarre, but Darla cannot get enough touch. I know some folks consider touching clients inappropriate, but a hand on the shoulder or a grip of the hand can go a long way. Of course, with consent. 

How social work has made me bah humbug-y about Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving. It's a holiday that is near and dear to my heart in terms of the memories I have surrounding it--and I think any opportunity to reflect on what we are thankful for is valuable. From a social justice stand point, Thanksgiving is, well, complicated.

Today at my placement, we discussed facts about Thanksgiving. The facts were generally simple, and honestly, no different than what is taught in most schools. Pilgrims came to Plymouth Rock, made friends with some Natives, and they had a potluck, right? Everything was copacetic. 

One client (we'll call him Ken) is prone to angry outbursts. Most of the time they are completely unprovoked, but it was interesting what he spoke up about today in group. Ken was really upset about some of the facts being shared. He spoke about Thanksgiving as a holiday that celebrates the slaughter of an entire people. This upset some other members of the group who haven't learned anything about Thanksgiving beyond the folklore we tend to pass around as truth in schools and in our families. It got other clients riled up in agreement with him. 

It's also become very clear to me while speaking with clients about their weekend plans how difficult Thanksgiving can be for the chronically poor and mentally ill. Many of these folks are alienated from family. When we go around the room to talk about what we're thankful for, some people can't think of one thing. I don't think Ken's outburst was unprovoked this time around. I am thankful that he spoke his mind. I admire that. 

Another issue I have with Thanksgiving? I'm working in retail these days part-time at a popular store that sells personal care items. I say care loosely because most of the lotions in the store are made of the nastiest chemicals you can imagine and will probably ruin your skin or cause cancer in the long run--but I digress. My schedule on Black Friday is from midnight to 6 am. We open at midnight. Who in the hell needs to buy some vanilla scented lotion at midnight? Absolutely no one. Thanksgiving these days is less about sharing a meal as a way to build community than it is about consuming. Consuming the food, and consuming the sales the next day. The intuitive eater in me looks around and sees people enjoying their food, but not really enjoying their food. We don't savor so much as eat until we feel like we could burst. 

We are so thankful for this Pinot Grigio

While doing a little research on the history of Thanksgiving, I found an article that really brought the point home about Thanksgiving for me. The article is titled Thanksgiving: A Native American View. Let's face it; the Pilgrims were no survivalists. The Native folks saved the white folks' asses, and continued to save their asses, even when Native people were being killed and their land was being destroyed. And thus, the Pilgrims lived. Thus, we have a great White nation, and thus we have a great Capitalist society that means buying stupid candles at 3am is something that is really, really important to some people, and we are so lucky to have that privilege. 

Many Native Americans have lost their lives, their families and their land so that I can sit here, on my comfy mattress in Queens, surrounded by pillows, drinking fresh water, etc. etc. etc. and write this article. I am not so sure celebrating my privilege is exactly how I want to to look at the holiday, but isn't that what it is? Being thankful for privilege? Who am I thanking for this privilege if it's come at the expense of oppressing others? 

So, what is it that all of these random points about how Thanksgiving should suck have to do with one another? Well, nothing. It's just a list of reasons why it's difficult for me to appreciate Thanksgiving these days. Truth be told, I really do love holidays and celebrations, and I think they're important and valuable to everyone. I will probably have plenty of fun tomorrow. And I hope y'all do too, but I also hope that everyone is not only thankful for what they have, but understands how what they have shapes their lives and impacts others.

Sorry for being a Debbie downer, y'all. I'll do my best to be more uplifting about Christmas maybe New Years. 

On Occupy Wall Street's general strike and social work

Today is a call for a General Strike in solidarity with the Occupy Wall Street movement. I've seen flyers all around campus at NYU, and folks all over Facebook are posting about it. I, however, will not be in attendance.

Thing is, I am in solidarity with the movement. I find the movement inspiring, and I've participated in their marches and all that. And there's been a couple of calls for general strikes over the past year or so while I've been in social work school, and these calls usually fall on days where I'm at my placement. It has made me realize that working with the "poor and needy"* doesn't really allow for the freedom to go on strike since they can't go on strike from being "poor and needy."

Unfortunately, it's the people I serve at my placement who I believe are most profoundly affected by our income gap and are experiencing the brunt of the cutting of services in preference to not taxing the rich. As long as I work in social work, I don't think I can ever walk away from the work I do with my clients in the name of solidarity or organizing because, for better or for worse, they rely on me.

I feel a sense of guilt over this. Participating in a movement that fights this toxic system we're living in is in effect advocating for these clients. It's something I'm passionate about. I wonder though if I can flip that way of thinking around. Is working with these clients fighting this toxic system? Is advocating for them on a daily basis, empowering them, supporting them, a part of the same fabric as the Occupy Wall Street movement?

I'd like to think so. So while I won't be in attendance at any marches today, and while I will be working all day, I am still participating in the General Strike. I encourage all of you to join.

Work hard, party harder

Lately, I've been getting up at, what feels like to me, the ass crack of dawn (pardon my French). Yesterday I had class (on a Saturday! my BFF made a joke about it, "What, do social workers consider all days equal or something?"). Today I have training for my part-time, terrible, depressing, seasonal retail job.

I've also been spending my weekend evenings out with friends, being social, and even imbibing a bit. This makes waking up at a decent hour like 7am today or 8am yesterday seem like a huge effort. And admittedly, I probably shouldn't be out so late (5am on Friday night, 2:30am last night). It's just difficult to find the right balance--I don't get a straight up 9 to 5 schedule (or even a straight up 2 to 11 schedule). Things are unpredictable and it's hard to plan for a good time out if I want to conserve sleep. 

And I know how important sleep is. In fact, I am struggling getting these very words out this morning, and I'm sure someone is going to read this and assume I am drunk, because I am questioning that possibility myself right now. It's just something I've felt okay about sacrificing the past couple of days in exchange for fun. I can't wait for the days when I don't have to choose. Those days do eventually show up, right? Right?

This is just one example of how crappy my notes from class were yesterday. Pretty sure I was falling asleep as I was trying to write them. I tried to pull the whole "face-away-from-professor-and-pretend-you're-looking-down-at-your-notes-when-your-eyes-are-closed-but-then-your-whole-body-jolts-when-you-actually-fall-asleep-making-it-obvious-that-you-were-sleeping" thing. If you actually know what hypoprolacti...mema? means, please advise.

Penn State protests: Who are the real victims?

One of the primary reasons I decided to go into social work was to find an outlet for my unwavering, sometimes inappropriate empathy. I have the ability to empathize with the “worst” of individuals—I won’t make a list of who, but there’s something about people doing terrible things that pulls at my heartstrings. How did they get to that point? How much hurt must they be experiencing to want to hurt others so badly?

From Deadspin.com

But sometimes my empathy is tested. This tends to happen most often when you throw privilege into the mix. Enter Penn State and the protests against the firing of Joe Paterno. Deadspin posted aslideshow of the “bros” long faces, highlighting that these kids are taking this seriously. Try as I might, I cannot take them seriously in return. A quick look through of the slideshow features, as a friend pointed out, primarily cis gendered white men. I’m assuming, and this is certainly an assumption, most of them are heterosexual. This is the battle they choose to fight. Nevermind the fact that there is actual Occupy Penn State action being organized, these kids decided the best thing to do was to protest against the justified firing of someone who turned a blind eye to children being abused.

I’m not saying that Paterno is the worst human being alive. I think Paterno was, however, acting to his own self-interest and to the interest of the Penn State community (or at least, the reputation or what he considered the interest of the Penn State community). However, it is my belief that fighting against child abuse and potentially preventing more children from abuse is worth some tarnishment to your reputation—a tarnishment that would have been much lighter than what he has to face now.

It’s also important to consider how this scandal would affect the survivors of Sandusky. Survivors of sexual assault often turn blame inward. Seeing the media portrayal of a school so upset over the firing of Paterno could potentially negatively affect these survivors. I can only imagine what would be going through their head—if only I hadn’t been there for Sandusky to abuse me, perhaps this trouble wouldn’t be happening. I hope, rather, that they are able to see what is happening as an example of why they are not at fault. The exposure of Sandusky and Paterno’s tight knit hold on the Penn State administration and the fact that there are several survivors may help the survivors conceptualize the severity of the situation and how out of their own control it really was.

But I can only hope. And as angry as I am at the Penn State protestors, I think it’s taking attention away from who the real victims are in this situation. It’s not these bro dawgs who are sad about losing their football coach. It’s the people who were severely and maliciously abused by Sandusky. There's some reasonable students at Penn State, fortunately, as seen in videos posted by Colorlines. I hope that while I can’t find empathy for them, that those protestors can find empathy for the survivors.